On Things

本以為是拿了讀到一半的《小團圓》，到了飛機上，才發現是老爸在看的《走到人生邊上》。

唯一讀過的一本揚绛的書是jem寄來的《咱們仨》。那是讀到后來淚流滿面不自知的一本書，之后也不敢再去讀。這本卻是一位看過多少人事變遷的老人對于人生一些問題的探討，或許要看很多遍，在不同的年齡，才能有同樣的體會。

鬼神，人性，靈魂，命運。這些問題，每個人多多少少都曾經思考過吧。所以作者在封面上寫–自問自答。我自己也常常想，尤其是每一次生活發生大變動的時候。只是看得不夠多，走得不夠遠，見解淺薄。但等自己也到了一定的年紀，回頭看自己多年前的想法，也該是件趣事。那就寫下來吧。

Whether something exists.  It’s a simple yes and no question.  Some say it’s easier to prove something does exist – you simply have to see it, hear it, feel it once.  Whereas it would be difficult, almost impossible to prove something doesn’t exist.  Just because you haven’t seen it, heard it, felt it, doesn’t mean someone else has not.  Even if no one in the world knows of its existence, like a newly discovered species of butterfly in the jungles of South America, doesn’t mean it hasn’t been there all along.  Or something that has never been defined, like DNA, before we knew it was what gave us our black hair, blue eyes, a fat butt or pimply face, it was still there, inside all of us.

The trouble is believing – believing someone else even if you haven’t experienced it firsthand.  Or not believing – sometimes even if you’ve seen it, heard it, and felt it, you still don’t want to believe.  And I think that’s ok too.  Your reality is how you define it.  If the world you create for yourself makes you happy, and it doesn’t cause harm to others, I don’t think there’s anything wrong living that way.  Except, most people aren’t truly happy when they know they live in a lie, so they keep digging until they find a “truth” they can be satisfied with.

For me, I often think about the existence of many things.  First and foremost, god.  Then, karma, and with that afterlife.  Sometimes fate and destiny.  And last but not least, love.

On God.

I firmly believe there is an ultimate force of nature that put things into motion.  I’m not sure about organized religion.  I believe important moral lessons are taught through parables — whether in the Bible or a Buddhist sutra.  I have a lot of trouble taking them literally.  And whether God cares?  Hmm, that’s also debatable.  Whoever God is, he already gave us a lot.  I think he expects us to do the rest.

On Karma.

I don’t believe good things always happen to good people, and bad things always happen to bad people.  I know, I know, who am I to define good and bad?  I can’t.  I just think good and bad things have an equal chance of happening to everyone.  That’s why in Buddhism karma could be from your past life and affect your next one, and in Christianity your reward is great in heaven and not on this earth.  Otherwise, it kinda sucks to see criminals unpunished and good deeds unrewarded.  BUT, I do believe in the concept of moral law (see C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity), and as such, I believe good people — the people who follow their innate desire to do no wrong, are generally happier than the ones that go against it.

And on afterlife?  I don’t know whether I will cease to exist after my body is dead, and at this age, I don’t think it’s that important to me yet.  I just think, if there is such a thing, it will be a completely different existence than the world we live in, there’s no point in trying to imagine it or describing it.  You can never avoid it no matter how hard you try 🙂

On Fate.

Fate, destiny, an inevitable course of events.  People have obsessed over “predicting” events in their lives since the beginning of time.  At one point, astrology was probably a more recognized and believable science than all the other non-sense stuff that came later.  But — why bother?  Isn’t it more fun?  To not know whether you are going to win the race?  Whether the company you are starting is going to take off or fail?  Whether the next guy who walks into the cafe is the one who’ll put a ring on your finger?  Life would be so boring without the suspense and mystery.

Things happen to you, and you do something about them.  And its all the decisions that you make when things happen that makes your life your own and not someone else’s script.  But perhaps the things that make you you were always written in the stars as well.  So in that sense, you will always make the choice destined for you in a certain situation, so the journey you take in life was always the one you were meant to take?

On Love.

Ah, love.  My favorite topic, or at least one most often written about here (maybe anywhere?).  I have been unhappy for a long time because the person I decided I was going to love forever decided he wasn’t sure.  But if that’s my biggest problem right now, I say my life is pretty damn good.  Perhaps you noticed I used the word “decided.”  Some may cry outrage at the fact that I think love can be decided, since it’s supposed to be a matter for the heart and not something left to logic and reason (as the word “decide” implicates).  Heart?  You mean the complicated machine that pumps blood and oxygen through the rest of the body to keep it alive?  When did heart become the symbol of love anyway (not a rhetorical question)?  In the end, it was always the brain that controled both logic and feeling.

I don’t mean you can just decide to love or not love someone.  But, I do think you get some say in whether you stay in love.  Love begins with a fleeting attraction, just the desire to be closer to that one person, maybe no more than a slight curiosity.  You take a few steps, learn about each other, discover the things you like and hate, and there are ALWAYS things you hate.  That’s when you make a decision — whether you can deal with them and for how long.  Of course it’s not a simple list of pros and cons.  That unknown factor, the desire to be with someone or to get away from them, play a pretty big role.  But I think you can decide how big of a role it plays too.

I wonder, how much of the unhappiness I attribute to losing him, is just because I’m feeling lonely.  Do I really miss this person because he is so perfect and irreplaceable, or just because I miss having someone there, and I’m so used to thinking about him?  So I get to decide here too — whether to linger and continue to love, or just give up, and wait for it to go away.  I could nurture it as I always have, and it will still thrive in my heart, but only mine.  But if I stop paying attention to it, then it will just eventually die.

And that’s my conclusion on love.  It exists, it’s wonderful, but you have to take pretty good care of it for it to survive and thrive.

That’s all folks.  Friday night in the Big Apple.  I shouldn’t be spending it in front of a computer screen!

P.S. 今天從頭上拔下第一根白發。確切來說，只有半根。大驚之后自然是沮喪。也記下來，等滿頭白發的時候來看：）