Marriage

We had delicious plates of sushi in front of us and were having a discussion about diving and sustainable seafood, when the topic of marriage came up. My friend was in a steady relationship that had become somewhat rocky, because his girlfriend was getting antsy about the M word. “What’s wrong with you men?” Still jaded from my own heartbreak, I somewhat lashed out at him. “If you don’t think it’s working out, then don’t waste her time.”

“I’m still trying to figure it out!” He answered. “I think she’s great, but there’s something missing about her.” He paused. “She doesn’t have passion.”

Hmm. Passion. I added that to my long list of things that people look for in a mate.

Honestly, I’ve put a lot of thought into what makes two people tie the knot since my last breakup. It was, somewhat, the cause of the breakup, but not what you think! I wasn’t leaving bridal magazines around or dragging him into Tiffany’s. To his defense, I think it’s quite the right thing to do — letting go when you don’t think it’s what you are looking for in the long run. To my late realization, even though I hadn’t started planning that dream wedding, I had long stopped looking for someone else.

I didn’t lie. I am happy to be with him even just for a moment. But I wished that this moment would last for as long as we shall live.

What does not break you makes you stronger, and the heart is already the strongest muscle in the body. So I pick up the broken pieces and moved on, and thought that the next train to happiness would be right around the corner.

As I turned one corner after another, and prince charming is no where to be found, friends and family started to worry. It does not help that I have 4 bridesmaids’ dresses hanging in my closet. Stop being so picky! They say. Why not him? Or how about him? My faith started to waiver. I started looking at my suitors through the marriage lens. IQ? Check. EQ? Check. Athletic abilities? Check. Height and weight? Check. Butterflies in my stomach every time I think of him? Hmm.

And maybe you don’t need that for a marriage to work. I know for a fact that plenty of marriages work without people being completely in love with each other.

But what’s the fun in that?

It’s not for fun. The little voice says. Remember the nightmare where you die an old lady living with a houseful of cats and no one discovers your body for days (OK, too many Bones marathons)? Wouldn’t you at least want someone to be sharing the same house and discover your body when you die?

That would be nice, I replied (yes, I talk to the little voice in my head). But if I’m dead, I don’t think I would care. I would much rather spend the best time of my life discovering hole-in-the-wall restaurants and ancient caves with someone who makes butterflies flutter in my stomach. Even if just for a moment.

If I’m lucky, maybe he’ll want it to last forever too.

And I will take that chance that it may not happen. I’ll take the chance that I’m passing up all these wonderful boys and men in my life who I may fall in love with. I will take the chance that I may indeed end up a lonely old lady (except I think I will choose to have dogs, instead of cats). To be a pessimist, with divorce rates at 50%, it’s probably not that bad of a deal.

I think my friend is right. Everyone needs a little passion in life. Places to visit, things to do, people to meet and goals to achieve. Finding that perfect white dress could be one of them, but how boring your life would be if that’s the only passion you have! Be passionate about a sport, a hobby, or even your job. Not just one thing, but everything. Having that boundless enthusiasm for life makes you confident, makes you so much fun to be around, and it makes you grow.

I look back at myself three years ago, then three more, and I think: wow, I’ve grown up a lot. I often think about the people I’ve met along the way, where we were, and where we are, and where we lost each other. Then I had an epiphany: there are people who will walk with you for a while, then either leave you behind or got lost along the way. Then there are those who will grow with you. They most likely share your passion, not necessarily for your love of this or that, but the general passion for life. They are also the ones who are willing to give you a hand when you fall down, nor will you think twice about stopping your own journey just to make sure they get back on their feet.

Then there are the little things. You met at the right time and the right place. You find each other utterly irresistible. You manage to forgive and forget when mistakes are made. You laugh together and cry together and move on together. You stand in front of each other, naked in all your imperfections, and know that you need not hide.

There’s always that lingering fear. What if there IS someone better? You are probably right. Somewhere, out of the 6 billion other people scattered around the earth, there may be that person who is an even better fit for you. But you may never meet that person. Or, you didn’t have the courage to go up and say hi. And they will be a little more perfect, but still, no one can be perfect, and no one will stay perfect.

So the question isn’t WHETHER there’s someone better. It’s whether you want to take the chance to give up what you have and keep looking. Marriage, more than anything else, is a promise. It’s not determined by destiny, but rather a conscious decision. It’s not the achievement of a goal, but rather the setting of one that takes a lifetime of hard work.

My favorite forensic anthropologist Dr. Temperance Brennan always says, “marriage is an antiquated ritual in a society whose members are biologically not programmed to be monogamous.” That’s probably true. But there’s something childishly wonderful about looking forward to it, isn’t there? 🙂