First, a word of warning — this is going to be long.
Three Miles
I listened to this powerful story on This American Life today about three students from a poor school district in South Bronx, whose lives were forever changed by a visit to a neighboring private school three miles away. I don’t want to give away the story, because I think everyone can spare 45 minutes of their time and listen to it. The ending surprised me, although I’m not sure why. I guess in a way I’m still naive enough to believe in the idea of meritocracy, the “American dream,” one that I am fortunate enough to live.
The students were Melanie, Jonathan, and Raquel. They had a few things in common — they were young, bright, and perhaps most importantly, underprivileged. They were also quite different. Two had dreams of a brighter future, one did not. Two had worked very hard, one did not. Two had “failed” in terms of their education, one did not. I won’t tell you the fate of each, I think you might be surprised as well. I CAN tell you that the one who eventually succeeded had one thing the others did not — resilience.
Fitting In
Before talking about why resilience matters, I want to take this in a slightly different direction. I’m going to talk about fitting in.
If you’ve taken any cultural dexterity classes, you would have be warned about the eastern culture’s emphasis on conformity. When I think of conformity, I recall my elementary school days when we were asked to perform in parades. We donned the same uniforms, braided our hair the same way, and put on the same make up (with a red dot in the middle of our forehead). We sang the same songs and danced the same dance, and during practice, we were told whether we needed to smile a bit more or less to match our peers. I guess the pinnacle of this exercise is what people saw during the opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics, where thousands of performers perfected the art of becoming one.
When I grew up in China, I didn’t really buy into this idea of conformity. I always forgot my red scarf, couldn’t stand the school uniform, never sat in the proper position, and just wasn’t much into following rules in general. Ironically, when I moved to the U.S., where I was free to express my individuality, all I wanted to do was be like everyone else. The combined force of the insecurities of a teenage girl and the insecurities of a first generation immigrant turned me into a most agreeable person with very little to say. At first I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know the language. Then I didn’t say anything because I didn’t understand what’s being discussed without cultural context. Finally I started talking, but only said things that would please other people.
I share this part of my life because I feel like I know exactly what Melanie meant when she said “I felt like I didn’t belong there. I just felt like– you know, I had no business in this building.”
Belonging
We’ve all been in situations where we felt like we didn’t belong. Part of the cause is external — there are people who really wouldn’t accept us for who we are. There are three ways to deal with this: flight, fight, or hide. Flight means accepting the situation for what it is and leaving. Hide means pretending to be something we are not if we could “pass” for what is acceptable. As for fight, I’m reminded of this story about love, where a biracial woman refused to “pass” for being white, and bravely endured public humiliation to bring light to the issue of interracial marriage.
As society fights external inequalities and prejudices, our worst enemy actually comes from within, when we ourselves feel like we don’t belong.
For most of my teens and even early twenties, I didn’t feel a sense of belonging. I worked very hard at fitting in, and became a reflection of what I perceived other people would want to see in me, hiding anything that I thought made me different and unwelcome. I was accepted, but unhappy, because I was constantly afraid of being exposed as a fraud.
Melanie, Jonathan, and Raquel got a first taste at feeling like they don’t belong when they visited Fieldston. They will continue to feel this way for many years, as they enter college, the work force, and every time they move up the social economic ladder. One of them was a dreamer, and failed because they could not accept the reality of inequality. One was a quitter, who simply lost the will to try harder when things got tough. Then there was the gladiator, who accepted the unfairness of it all, fought every step of the way, and succeeded as the only person to graduate from college.
Resilience
When these three kids visited Fieldston, they had completely different reactions to what they saw:
The dreamer said, “People are like, oh, you’re so smart. You’re going to be this, you’re going to be that, you’re going to be somebody, you’re going to change the world. And it’s like, be realistic.”
The quitter said, “I didn’t feel like I was shit anyway, and I would never be shit. So I was just like, well, this is where the rich people are.”
The gladiator said, “You don’t know how little you have, because you don’t have anything to compare it to. So I think it motivates you. For me, that’s what the connection with the Fieldston School did for me. It motivated me.”
The difference, I think, is not their circumstances, how smart they were, or how much support they had. The difference was resilience — the ability to face adversity and adapt to an environment that isn’t necessarily doing you any favors. Resilience starts with the most difficult step of believing in yourself. Even the gladiator had doubts: “How could you convince somebody that you deserve it when you don’t even believe it yourself? It’s a reoccurring theme in my life. You know, I have to tell myself that I deserve this, because I work really hard for it.”
Worthiness
The first book I chose for my book club was Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. The reception was lukewarm, but there were a few gems in her conclusions. She says “because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
How do you define your self worth? For the vast majority, it’s defined not by intrinsic values, but by extrinsic ones. Not too long ago I had a FB discussion on this article, where the author saw Silicon Valley entrepreneurs as narcissists driven by the fear of being ordinary. Perhaps for some, that is true. I personally like to believe that most entrepreneurs are still motivated by the desire to be extraordinary, rather than fear of anything. This then led to the discussion about motivation in general — how often are our goals defined by what WE really want, versus what we think would make us look good for other people? Brene Brown reminds us that worthiness has no prerequisites. If only we can internalize that concept as easily as we can understand it.
It took me a while to accept myself for who I am, even longer to muster the courage to show that to the world, and I’m still figuring out who I want to be. And I still fight, on a daily basis, to prove that I belong. The fight is mostly with myself, although sometimes a few people will join the other side, but it does get easier everyday.
Fight
My fight was not nearly as difficult as the one Melanie, Jonathan, and Raquel faced. I went to a pretty good school in a pretty good district that offered plenty of AP classes and guidance counseling. I was surrounded by motivated peers and our class had ~90% graduation rate. And most importantly, I have always been told that I CAN be better, achieve more. I’d like to think that made the most difference.
So the fight is on two fronts. On one hand, we need to somehow fix our broken education system and provide all students with the right tools and environment to learn what they need. On the other, we need to inspire them to be more resilient, and let them know that they do belong. The first fight is going to be long and hard and slow. The second one we can each contribute to, one student at a time. Programs like Minds Matter, First Graduate, and SMART are just a few of the organizations that offering mentoring opportunities for underprivileged students in the Bay Area.
I will end with one last quote:
“Resilience is all about being able to overcome the unexpected. Sustainability is about survival. The goal of resilience is to thrive.” – Jamais Cascio
Let’s all help each other thrive.
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