From any change, even the most difficult and incomprehensible, something good will come. every change i have been through, including the really hard ones, have added something to my life. This good thing hasn’t always occurred when i wanted it to, or in the way i could have imagined, but it has always happened. From a loss, there is always something to be found. One of my favorite sayings is ‘you cannot see around corners.’ you just have to keep moving forward, trusting that there’s something good around the bend. There is great power in not always knowing why things happen the way they do but in trusting that they’re happening exactly as they should and that something positive will reveal itself.
有些早就想通的事情，被身邊的朋友逼著去做，雖然是舍不得，也只能接受了。看他說得好不輕松，突然覺得累。換到另一個時期的我，大概會大受打擊不知所措。但是能走到今天，我早就波瀾不驚了。他做的一切我全盤接受，只是牽扯到旁人，才不好意思。
發出最后的回信后直到第二天沒看到回應，就把那一串郵件連同其他一起刪除了。我念舊，曾經說過的話，寫過的字，照片里那些笑顏與遙遠，我一直都寶貝得不得了。刪除這些回憶是我能對自己做到最狠心的事。回收箱30天后清除，這期間也有反復把它們拿出來看過，到最后還是告訴自己不可以，這次一定要干凈徹底。8月31號，他說的話將從我的郵箱消失，若是有個期限，能讓它們從記憶里消失該多好。
周末過得無比豐富。他曾經說過，最好的療傷方式是瘋狂派對。我雖然不茍同，但偶爾的狂歡卻也無傷大雅。辛苦的是周一坐上飛機，身體累不算，看著窗外灰蒙蒙一片，心情也掉到谷底。但是不像以往那樣恨不得回到昨天。因為已經習慣，也知道再多想也回不去了。還好西岸的陽光從來沒有讓我失望過，即使早上偶爾陰霾，午餐過后也會大方瀟灑的出現。
工作升了級加了薪，這樣的經濟危機下還是有一份小小的年終獎，也算是欣慰。仍在猶豫下一步要走向哪里，本是已決定了的事情，看到這邊盡力挽留，又有些心軟。離考試還有四個月。才讀到第8章，就已經要抓狂。從學校出來這么久，似乎是變笨了。那些長長的公式現在背起來都是天書。但是想起昂貴的注冊費，心里住著的小氣鬼便發起狠來鞭策。
前日與新交的朋友邊吃牛肉面邊談人生大事。盡管近日對自己的眼光有些疑問，整體上還是覺得自己認人很準的。有些人，不用多交流，就覺得默契。有些人，認識好幾年，還是話不投機半句多。朋友比我小一兩歲，從電機工程轉到醫學院，最后卻決定做老師。還是嫌不夠，下個月便要去UPenn讀博士，研究如何在低收入學區有效率的授教。我，同很多我身邊的人，都是漫無目的漂浮著的。因此我很羨慕那些目標清晰，并且努力一步一步實現的人。
Speaking of dreams and ambitions, I had a conversation with friends over crawfish one night. As I devoured the lifeless body of the tiny crustaceans one after another, I let out a sigh and asked, what’s the meaning of life for crawfish? In fact, what’s the meaning of life for most of the lifeforms on earth? They live only to procreate and die, it’s so simple. Only humans bring it on themselves to search for something more.
My friend laughed and asked, and what have you found for yourself? I paused and said, I don’t know. Maybe that’s why I’m unhappy. Our other friend then said, that’s my goal in life — to be happy, no matter what situation I’m in. But happiness is relative. If you don’t experience pain and suffering and anger and fear, then you have no basis to define true happiness. And is it really good to always be happy with what you have? Does it not hinder you from setting higher goals for yourself and find satisfaction in the achievement of those goals? In a society where most people keep pushing forward, standing still is the same as moving backwards. Maybe the goal is to try and find satisfaction in the achievement of even the smallest goals, but keep challenging myself with new ones.
And that’s how I shall live my life, for now, until I have a new epiphany and redefine the world as people often do. Because, like the quote says, there is great power in not always knowing why things happen the way they do, but in trusting that they are happening exactly as they should and that something positive will reveal itself.
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